what i want for myself is peanut...

What i want for myself is peanuts compared to what GOD wants for me. I find it very easy to find the good in other people, I find it extremely easy to help people reach their goals but at the tender age of thirty-something I'm just recognizing that I too want the best for me. As I think about the time when i became confused as to when i lost the will for my own self worth i honestly cannot remember but i find it quit rewarding that i am feeling it come back to me. Tonight I cried, tonight I screamed, tonight i told a dear friends that was angry, hurt, disappointed at how I felt I was treated unfairly and tonight after i washed my face I felt better than i have felt in several weeks. I realized there is nothing wrong with feeling emotions that are not always worthy of my skipping down the street with glee.
A month and half a go I asked GOD to direct my life and career in a direction that i would continue to feel full filled, I prayed and had a conversation with him letting him know how i felt about the choices I have made, what i like and what i didn't like. Now please don't get me wrong GOD is all knowing but he delights in the fact that we communicate with him and love on him so when the wheels begin to go into motion for life changes I felt a sense of fear come over me. No, i didn't want to take my works back but i did feel my flesh get somewhat weak but he quickly whispered in my ear "have i ever let you down?' He reminded me as to what i was praying for he has been waiting for me to ask all along; success on his terms which mean no man can take away because they didn't give it. No paranoia of someone trying to make me feel as if I am not good enough, no more of me allowing myself to feel I am not good enough because I know my position in all areas of my life came from him and what better protection could i ever ask for?!?
I realize how easy it is to quote scripture, i realize how easy it is too look at someone and say 'wow they have it together', i realize how easy it is to hear one or two sound bites from the bible and feel like that is all i need but to actually lean and know and go through is so much of a different experience.
For years i have suffered from low self esteem and i realize now that low self esteem is a ugly force that can hold you back from the simplest task in life. I have made it my life mission to do my best to keep anyone from feeling the dangers of low self esteem that will keep them from feeling the love that will give you peace when you are a lone, that will give you courage when no one else is around, to give you joy when there seems to be no reason to have it.
GOD is not be put in a box, one of my biggest pet peeves in when people say GOD looks like this...or GOD only want that or you are going to hell if you don't go to church on Sundays or you must pray seven times a day. I talk to GOD all day, I don't have a set time to praise him because he is always with me, I don't have ritual, and I don't have the ability to condemn people but I do have the ability to love and recognize that it takes all kinds of people to make up God's world and this is just one world. We have nine galaxies that we know of and several planets we cannot reach, who are we as humans who do not know one minute from a second to say yeah or nay to anything.I know what is right in my spirit and I can only speak from my spirit for me and with purity and I can only pray that you feel the goodness in me speak to the goodness in you.
WHAT I WANT IN MY LIFE IS PEANUTS TO THE GREATNESS OF WHAT GOD WANTS IN MY LIFE.